Photo by Sara Kurfeß on Unsplash
Why didn’t your friend answer your text?
Why did your target customer not answer your email?
Why did your coworker reply to your text in a snippy tone?
Did your friend mean something by her ALL CAPS email?
These tech communication quandaries result from tech disconnect.
What is tech disconnect?
Tech disconnect is a term I invented to describe a common condition that causes arguments, misunderstandings, and hives.
Okay. Maybe not hives. Unless you have anxiety and, like me, break out in rashes any time there’s stress.
But I digress.
You’re there texting away, blasting off emails, responding to six chats — and you are unaware the rules of communication apply. That’s tech disconnect.If you are communicating in person, you adhere to rules you learned when you were still breastfeeding. When people use a device, they discard every rule of etiquette.
Oh, pish, you say. How traditional. How droll. How old.Aside from your ageist attack, which I will ignore, you forget rules are not just imposed. Unless you’re a Pol Pot governor. We implement rules to avoid problems. And when we are using tech communication modalities — like text (SMS) or email — ignoring long-practiced rules result in miscommunication.
And hives.
Strongly worded, I admit, but necessary to improve communication and cure skin rashes, I present 13 principles to follow so you can be the Bell of the Tech Ball.
1 — Know Where You Are
Let’s start with the obvious. Don’t text or play on your phone while walking around — or operating a motor vehicle. Yes, there is a real world out here–and bumping into or tripping over others is not cool. And crashing your car with your lame excuse that you are in an emotional text exchange that can’t wait is criminal and, I’ll say it, selfish and evil.
2 — Uninvited/Unsolicited Texts and Emails
While personal relationships carry an inference email and texting at any time is understood, business relationships do not hold that position.
First, unsolicited marketing messages are rude. If a customer signs up to receive email and text from you, you have permission. If not, just don’t. Second, you do not have permission — and may violate the Do Not Call or CAN-SPAM laws. Third, if you have obtained that email or cell number from an outside source, it clearly violates the receiver’s privacy.
Communication requires permission and agreement. Consider how that potential customer will see you if you are not considering his or her personal space.
3 — Assumption Texting
Even (especially) with permission, those who send texts seem to assume the receiver is perpetually available.
This is a major pain point for me. I, like other professionals, find it disconcerting that my choice (for my sanity and productivity) to set my phone aside for a few hours or set my phone to do not disturb–whether in the middle of the night or the middle of the day–results in offending others who expect me to be available 24–7.
Our right-now society holds the expectation that the receiver of a text is holding his or her phone, waiting and watching for that next text! It’s an assumption that must be curbed. Communication requires willingness.
Your first text–especially in a professional context–should be: “Can you chat now?” If silence is your feedback, assume that now is not possible. Don’t whine. Don’t fret. Go about your day and respectfully wait for a response.
4 — Wrong Channel
A principle of communication — especially in professional contexts — is to use the originator’s channel. The channel, the path along which we send the message, can be telephone, video, email, text, chat… The rule is: If the person sends you an email, respond with an email. If the person sends a text, text back.
Adherence to this simple rule saves time and avoids insult. If we’re working on a shared doc and you decide to message me or email me, I’m checking the shared document and do not know you are communicating on an alternate channel.
Also, follow directives and requests. If I tell you to call, don’t text me. If I ask you to text, don’t call me. If I email you, the polite response should be in an email.
5 — Bad Timing
Barring an emergency (power-outage, security breach, and similar), business texts and emails should be sent or scheduled within business hours. (This rule also applies to all business social messaging. Don’t ping your coworkers’ Discord with to-do items on Sunday!)
The same applies to social messages. Unless your loved one has made it clear that you can text him or her during work hours, just don’t. An emotional text or party invite–or any social contact–during work hours can distract the recipient–and expose him or her to disciplinary action. It can wait until 5 pm.
Again, the emergency rule applies: If it is vital that you reach that loved one during work hours, a phone call is appropriate. (A phone call also allows the boss to appreciate the emergent character of the communication.)
6 — Rude is Rude
I’ll say it. If you are on your phone while at the dinner table, you are rude.
If you are texting or answering emails during a meeting–even if virtual or in a room with 10 others–you are being rude.
Consider a real-world example: If you are talking to me and I turn to talk to someone else, you feel ignored, negated, and insulted. So, how is chatting or texting with another person any less rude? Just because that other person isn’t physically there doesn’t negate the disregard you are demonstrating for the person speaking to you!
And back to an obvious but often overlooked point: Texting and emailing your friends and family while you are at work, unless you are on a break or have an understanding with your employer, is unethical. They pay you to be on the job, not to socialize.
7 — Group Texts and Mass Emails
When you hit send on that email blast or group text, double-check every person on the list needs to receive the message. Otherwise, you create tension and frustration.
If it’s not important to me, leave me out of it.
I receive over 200 daily emails from a university where I occasionally work. Why? Because every sender has adopted the email blast mentality. If it’s a newsletter, it qualifies for broad distribution. But do I need to know about every meeting outside of my department? No.
Group texts are worse. Consider how many people are in that group text: The all-day or all-evening “pings” from the 40 tagged people are annoying and inconsiderate. Limit the group to people directly involved.
8 — Inappropriate Use
Consider the emergency rule: We make a telephone call when something is urgent. Why? Because a telephone call is the most likely to reach a person. It’s immediate. It’s synchronous.
Some topics require a face-to-face — or telephone — conversation. You should not, for example, notify someone via text or email that a loved one is injured (or dead). The message is too personal, too emergent, and too emotional for asynchronous communication.
Text and email are not appropriate for breaking up, firing an employee, or delivering vital information.
When a bomb needs dropping, look the other person in the eyes.
You can use email to hire or fire an employee–although, frankly, it’s tacky. Sure, you want to put either in writing, but a call or face-to-face meeting is more appropriate when delivering an emotionally charged message. Send the CYA writing via email after the in-person conversation.
Also: Don’t communicate in an email or text what you wouldn’t communicate face-to-face. The distance and impersonal nature of electronic communication makes people brave. For those who experience this sense of anonymity, it’s as easy to slam, insult, or mock someone on social media as it is to send a hurtful or inconsiderate electronic message (text or email). It’s easy to write that nasty email and hit send when you would never — ever — say that message to the person’s face.
Take a moment. Breathe. Pick up the phone. Or don’t say it at all.
9 — The Diatribe Text
Which brings me to the diatribe text.
Texting is a short-form communication tool. Yes, no, tomorrow, later, 6 pm, they won, be right there.
If you are writing paragraphs, your message is best delivered via email or spoken over the phone. Or video. TL;DR. (Talk later; Didn’t read)
Sure, many of us lounge around and text diatribe conversations with loved ones. Often, the environment can dictate these long-winded text conversations: It’s not a great idea to take a phone call to discuss your real estate investment while in church or to fight with your partner while at your work desk.
But let’s consider a revolutionary concept: Maybe those long-winded conversations should be at another time — and over the phone or face-to-face?
10 — Impropriety
Similarly, don’t say or disclose or share in an email or text what you would not want preserved forever! Momentary emotional outbursts become carved in stone. Your trigger response or personal information can now be shared with others! Or…kept as evidence! Criticism, gossip, complaints are best shared face-to-face with a trusted confidant.
I had a client suffer from this faux pas which landed him in jail. He texted an admission to a crime to his then paramour. She used it to blackmail him for quite a while. Similarly, your co-worker may one day want your job — and your mocks about the boss’ hairpiece could be a problem.
Just think twice.
11 — Grammar and Spelling
While you can abbreviate words and truncate sentences via text, be careful when you do so. The person receiving the message may not decode what you intended.
And, a sloppy or slipshod text or email creates a poor impression. If I receive a marketing email or text with a typo, I delete and block. If you can’t spend the time to care about your communication with me, do you think I’ll believe you are a conscientious business?
However, the trend is to ignore punctuation when texting. Gen Zs and Alphas interpret the sending of the text as the full-stop — and a period at the end of a sentence as anger (the hostile period).
I would respectfully suggest this is a misguided convention will revert to active punctuation use. Punctuation communicates clarity, emotion, and emphasis. And it’s vital to clear communication — especially when you are lacking nonverbal coding!
Consider this sentence as a text: Let’s eat Grandpa.
Sure, although the correct version is “Let’s eat, Grandpa,” you know the text you received doesn’t mean your sibling intends to barbeque granddad. But consider other examples that can be misconstrued:
What do you want me to cook? versus What? Do you want me to cook?
I’m sorry I love you. versus I’m sorry; I love you.
Also, consider the formality of the context (business or pleasure) and the recipient’s standards (grandma is going to get confused if you eliminate your punctuation!)
12 — Miscommunication
When you text or email me, I can’t see your face. I can’t hear your tone of voice. And you can see me, hear me, or decode my expressions and tone of voice.
Human communication is bifurcated into two codes: verbal (the words used) and nonverbal (facial expressions, vocal characteristics, gestures). Electronic communication lacks that nonverbal code — so we use emojis, capitalization, and punctuation to mimic the nonverbal code. But our efforts are often misguided and ineffective.
Think, carefully, if a message requires more than verbal coding. (Hint: Most do.)
Using ALL CAPS to emulate emotion always seems like angry yelling. We lose sarcasm in a text or email. Emojis don’t substitute for an actual smile, kiss, or flower. Abbreviations can be incorrectly decoded.
13 — The One Rule
Communication requires verbal and nonverbal code, a willing sender and receiver, an agreed-upon channel, relational understanding, and appropriate context.
If you want one umbrella rule to abide, adopt this one: Each message you send should respect every aspect of communication.
With this rule, we can improve tech comm and avoid outbreaks of hives.
- Originally published: Medium, June 2023